December 29th, 2013

My hope is to summarize my last few months before the end of the year. Let's see how that goes. 

In the meantime, let me leave one of my favorite Christmas Vacation memories on today's post ...

 Seeing the tree in Rockefeller Center was special this year. It was beautiful, te area was packed, as it would be expected, but the company made it that much more enjoyable. 

 Totally oops pic ... But kinda funny. I was trying to get a pic of someone behind me taking a photo of the tree. 

A new beginning ...? 

We shall see. 

A Belated Wish

Three weeks ago my family and I celebrated my Grandma Milagros' 90th birthday. That's quite a milestone. 

Grandma has seen a lot over the years and is one wise woman. She loves baseball and some game shows, especially The Price is Right! She enjoys crossword puzzles and reading. Mostly she enjoys family, gatherings, holidays, laughing, singing and sharing the successes -big or small- of her family. She actually just became a Great-Grandmother for the fourth time. My cousin Gian & his girlfriend had a baby last week. 

We all gathered at my aunt's house, where my grandmother resides, to celebrate her life and pray that she has many more years of celebrations to come. We have all been blessed by having her in our lives. 

Feeling Good

As I was reading back through older posts, I came across on that was from two months ago when I was 'healing.' Two months later, I'm still healing, but I'm in a much better mental and emotional place than I was then. 

I'm happy. It's that simple. And it's a very big deal. 

Thank God, every day, for the most part I am feeling great. I love it. Of course the daily stresses are inevitable. That's life. Momentary annoyances happen. But at the end of the day, I feel good despite life's challenges. I haven't felt this joy in some time. I'm enjoying the events I participate in and the people I surround myself with. 

I still have a lot of healing and growing to do. This I know. But, I almost feel as though I'm becoming the person I'm meant to be ... I'm praying God continues to keep and bless me. If not for His mercies, forgiveness & getting me through each day, I would not be where I am today. I want to remain in this place. even through the occasional memory may tug at my heart and bring a tear to my eye, I still move forward and smile -- because there's a reason for everything. I am looking forward to being in a great place as each day passes by. 

💓 Teachers for TaTas! 💓

Tomorrow my friends and I will participate in the American Cancer Association's Strides for Breast Cancer Awareness at Orchard Beach. We are all part of team Teachers for TaTas!

Cancer is a terrible disease and it does not discriminate. I recently found out that my cousin was diagnosed. The news scared and saddened me. I can imagine how she feels/felt upon hearing that one of her fears was made real. I'm not sure how I would react/deal with such news. I have to say, from the few conversations we have had, she is strong and remains positive. She's ready to 'kick butt!' 

Being a part of tomorrow's walk now has a different meaning to me. It's now personal. I'm walking for my cousin, Tanya, and for all those who can not walk.  I pray a cure is found for this, and all the cancers that exist. 

Lets go team!!! 

Merrell Down and Dirty Run 2013

It's been a while since I've written & that's okay. I haven't wanted to, really.  The idea of writing has crossed my mind, but I just haven't been interested in doing so. Today was such an eventful one that I decided it's time to get back into my groove. 

Today was the Merrell Down and Dirty Mud Run @ Orchard Beach. I signed up months ago, but as an individual. My friends from work created a team over the summer & I was able to join them! I must say, I went into this run with a good deal of anxiety, but in the end I had such an amazing time that I forgot all about it! 

The day began with breakfast at my coworker and friend, Rose's home. She had a lovely spread of bagels, donuts, coffee, etc. and everyone met there so we could get to the beach at the same time. I, of course, got to Rose's in time to take photos and leave. 

Our friend, Jen, got one of her friends to escort us to the beach in her Escalade. How cool were we??? Haha

Once we arrived, we met up with the other girls who we'd be running with (or really just starting with) and hung out till we began. There were 8 of us running, three or four spectating and just a great spirit all around us!

Once we finished our photo ops, we trotted along to the start line and patiently waited for the 9:45 wave to be called. 

One the horn was blown we were off! For a short while we stayed together, then the group broke off into smaller groups. Tina and I stayed together for a the duration of the race, but saw our teammates as we ran through different parts of the course. 

The second obstacle was the most challenging for me. We had to climb this high cage-like contraption that had too many holes for my liking or confidence. The best part was when I was basically frozen at the top and Tina was flying down.  I couldn't help but yell out for her because I was truly terrified of falling, getting stuck, etc., etc., etc. She patiently talked me through till I was able to get down. I don't think I could've gotten through that one alone. 

Afterward, the course seemed to be smooth sailing. We had to crawl through some muddy water before going over another net-like, climbing obstacle, then we had to crawl through our first mud pit. At my last race, I REFUSED to get in the mud. This time, I completely embraced it and loved every moment! 

We ran through the wooded area of Pelham Bay Park, behind the beach area, back to the beach and through the water. It was actually warmer than I anticipated it would be. We didn't mind 'cleaning off' a bit. 

After that, we ran up the beach and conquered our last two obstacles. One was very challenging as we had to use our upper body strength to pull ourselves up and over a slanted board using only the rope that was provided. I don't know how I did that, but I'm proud that I did!

Lastly, we had the BIG mud pit. The song playing as we dove in was 'Wake Me Up When It's All Over' and I said, 'Tina, wake me up when this is done!' We went for it, crawled our way to the end laughing and joking, and came out with our heads an hands muddy, but held high. 

We waited for the rest of our crew to do the same ...

We ended the festivities with a little bath in the beach water and headed back to Rose's for some BBQ and showers. That was definitely what we were looking forward to! I'm not sure which one more, though. ;) 

This day was supposed to have gone differently ... However, the more I think about it, things always happen exactly as they are meant to. I don't think I could have had as much fun had the day gone any differently. 

To The Day

One month, to the day, has passed.

I would be lying if I said its been an easy month. 

This time has allowed me to spend time alone, with friends, train, think, make decisions and rediscover myself. 

Looking back, of course I have regrets. I wish I didn't, but I'm not perfect. If I didn't already know, I now know what I will and will not accept from a person, what I will and will not allow and accept for myself, and to set boundaries for people. 

This month has forced me to heal & make tough decisions. I don't enjoy hurting someone, but I also know I'm not to be taken advantage of. During some moments I feel mentally & emotionally stronger. In others, I know I'm still hurting, scarred, and not ready to move forward. It has only been a month. 

God has seen me through this ... Although I'm not sure why it happened to begin with ... Well, maybe I do know. 

I'm looking forward to more progress & just feeling better every day.  We shall see. 

4 Weeks

I used to count the weeks that we were together ... 

Now I'm counting the weeks we've been apart & how I've progressed ... Or not.

God is very good. I'm certain He has kept me during these last four weeks, and He has strengthened me. Certainly without Him I would be a train wreck. 

Some days the sadness still hits me. Some days the actions and my own disbelief of what and how things transpired still stings.  What can I say? I'm human.

I'm thankful that the crying has stopped. And that I've been doing many things to keep myself and my mind busy. That isn't easy. I could get caught up in the 'why me?' of it all. I rather continue to heal, spend time with people whose company I enjoy, and grow. 

Ya know, there were a lot of negative things I was told -- about myself. Every now and then they resound in my mind. I could hold on to them. In the past I have. What I've realized is what matters most is what I think ... And what God shows me. I have to get my self esteem back up, rebuild my self confidence and move forward knowing I can accomplish all things through Christ who strengthens me.  (I should be able to quote that verse.)

I think it's important to pray for those who have hurt us ... If we don't forgive, how can expect to be forgiven? 

Days have gone by ... And not one has passed without a thought of him. Usually it's a disappointed & hurt thought. Occasionally a sweet memory will swing on through ... And for the life of me I will never understand how both can be associated with same person. I suppose I would simply mistake honestly & genuine feelings ... I hope I can trust & love someone again. Live and learn ... Let Go & Let God. 

Week 4 -- praying it is a successful & strong week.

Small Strong Moments

Every day we encounter different people and situations that require us to act, or react, accordingly; properly; correctly. Of course we could act, or react, negatively and that's how we'll always be remembered.

I'm learning that after a relationship ends, despite numerous attempts to make it work, despite how you may believe you feel in your heart, you just have to let go, heal, and move forward. It's not easy, but it's necessary. Or, you can stay stuck wallowing in pain, sadness, heartache and over thinking. I did all that while I was in the relationship. Now I want to heal & move forward. 

I've decided that for me, it's best not to be in contact with my ex. Some people can do it -- have constant contact -- but I find it doesn't bring me peace, can give false senses of hope and just doesn't allow for my heart to heal. This has been a long on & off relationship with no improvement, but was full of hope. Now I believe it was false hope. Regardless, I just want to be left alone. There's no need to ask questions that can be asked of someone else. There's no need to communicate. When communicating was necessary, it wasn't done.  Now, I'm not biting. 

For myself, I am glad that the last three times I have had to interact/communicate with my ex, I have responded as politely as I could bring myself to. This last time, though, I had to be honest and say I don't agree with communicating every week. It doesn't allow me to heal. Sometimes being honest is sad & hurtful, but I am tired of hurting.  I often get hurt by being too nice and naive, among other reasons. I want to stop the patten & try to do things differently now and in the future. I want to be happy & have a healthy relationship. 

I know this person isn't reading my blogs, so I can write freely. While we were together he didn't have the time or desire. Now, I don't even want him to. I just want happiness. I am happy, but I also need to heal.  I want to hold my head high & treat another person with the same respect and dignity I want given to me. In the meantime, I truly in my heart want this communication w my ex to end. If it doesn't, I will still act properly because at the end of the day, I want to be proud of myself & be able to look myself in the mirror & not have regrets. 

Feeling Better .. One Day At a Time

Closing in on the end of 'week 3.' I've completely exhausted myself by keeping busy in nearly every way possible simply to not think. But, keeping busy has afforded me the opportunity to spend time with friends I haven't seen, my family, explore my fine city, exercise more, focus on my training and somewhere in all that, relax. 

To some friends I'm very honest about what I'm still going through in my mind. To others I am happy to say, 'I'm fine, thanks.' I really have learned to choose, wisely, who to be transparent with. I also don't want to bother anyone or be a downer. It's okay. 

I still have a lot of questions. I'm not sure why, but I do. I mean, the obvious ones have been answered, I suppose. But, the  things that made me go, 'really, though? Why?' are the ones I can't quite forget about. In time, though, I will. 

I'm talking to God a lot ... He's about the only one I can be completely honest with. And He wants just that ... For me to open up to & lean on Him. I don't as often as I should, but I'm trying. It's not as if He doesn't already know ... 

Kickball Mid-Season Party & Trophy Presentations

I guess life has been a little crazy for the past ... 5 months ... So I haven't posted about things in as timely a fashion as I normally would ... My mind has been all over ... I'm trying to get back to my writing.

Kickball ... 

While playing Spring Kickball, I spent the season getting semi-better, but never quite to the level of 'good.'  Our team, though, was pretty awesome once everyone started playing together.  

The last game was a playoff one & a biggie and was against our rivals. What can ya do? Play hard or go home ... and that's exactly what we did. We were well capitained, the team wanted the win badly enough, both offense and defense were on their game and in the end, we won!  The other team played well, too; we just played better that night. 

The winning play is a blur, but there was some yelling, some pushing & blanking out ... But we won! I'll never forget the bits I remember, but realizing we won was the best feeling ever. 

I loved that everyone was kind, particularly my friend Marlene, who convinced me to join & patiently taught me along the way, and her husband, who took a chance w a newbie. He was as patient as a die hard kickball player could be with a player who basically was terrible and terrified ... But teachable.  

I met some awesome people & that really was the goal, along with having fun. 

Summer kick is coming to a close & I've gotten more confident ... Meaning I don't spend all of Tuesday with anxiety. I just go & try my best. I have a better idea of what to do --- and more importantly what not to do.  I hope to improve along the way. Marlene has been a great help & has thankfully remained very patient with me as I continue learning. 

Last night we celebrated our victory as a team (for the second time) and received our trophy, which our deserving captain (holding it) took home.

Prior to the night ending, we each had our moment with it whether by posing for a picture as we held it,  drinking beer from it, or dancing as we held it high. 

This team was a great deal of fun to be a part of. Spring & summer have been very stressful for me emotionally & playing kickball is something that has kept me focused and my mind quiet -- even if for an hour a week. I suppose everything does happen for a reason. The memories of these two seasons will last much longer than the stress I've dealt with. Of that I am certain. 

Closure

Why do some people need closure & others don't? Well, the obvious answer is everyone handles things differently. I am someone who prefers closure; not burned bridges, but closure. I need to know that the part of whatever has gone on is finished and then become ready for the next part to begin. For me that 'next part' starts with healing. That takes time when there's much healing that needs to take place. 

I do a great job of taking care of myself physically. Mentally & emotionally, though, I'm not doing as good of a job. I keep a lot inside instead of talking to people. Why do I have friends then? Why don't I pray & ask God to help me through this? 

If I don't begin to work with myself and try to heal, I'll never be okay with anyone. Thankfully I have an amazing group of friends & my family is a blessing. I don't usually tell them when my heart is hurting. I try my best not to burden anyone. I know they are there if / when I decide that I do need them. 

I had a long, much needed conversation with someone that allowed me to get everything that's hurt me off my chest. I wish that conversation never had to take place, but it did. It gave me a lot to think about, but I almost feel as though there isn't much to to think about or hold on to  any longer. 

Now I move on. I don't necessarily mean with anyone -- just yet. But, I start to let go of the things that hurt me & start becoming me again. Cause, I really like me. Not that I believe I'm exceptional or wonderful, but I think I'm a decent person who can make someone happy. First, I need to work on getting myself back to that happy, confident, trusting place again ... Closure. Not everyone needs it ... But, we have to do what works for us. No one else will. 

Week One ...

One week ago something very dear in my life changed. I spent last week with friends, talking things over, making plans, kind of going about life as if nothing had changed. In my heart and mind, though, I know what's what and I feel it. I can hide my feelings well but that doesn't mean they aren't hiding & dwelling deep down inside. 

Perhaps every time we go through hurt or heartache it becomes a little easier to get over. My friends seem to think it won't take me as long to heal this time around, but healing is individual.  No one can put a time frame on it. What I do know is that the disappointments don't hurt any less. In being optimistic and hopeful, we trust that things will change & people will hold true to their word and not solely place blame on others for holding them to their word ... Many people continue to disappoint me, but this last one really stung. It's life & I'm learning to look more at a person's actions & not their words. In the future I will do that more. I won't allow anyone to take away my peace or to treat me as though I'm unimportant or an afterthought. 

It may take a long time until I open my heart up again ... I know what I hope and pray for ... But only God knows the end result. In the meantime, I have to keep pressing on & go through each day enjoying it & appreciating the wonderful things I do have. 

I also have to feel my feelings, cry when I need to & lean on God & my support systems when I can't seem to support myself. In time, I'll heal ... I hope.

And in time I'll move on ... I hope ... And I have to keep the faith that God has a very special someone & a great plan for my life. If I lose that faith, I lose all.  There has to be a reason for all of this. I can't say it's fair, but I have to count my blessings. I made it through week one. I don't know how week two will go. I can only keep talking to God & continuing on with my days. I've been here before & I've gotten through. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt ... Because it surely does. But, this too shall pass. 

Celebrating Mom!

This Friday, August 2nd, my mother will celebrate her 60th birthday. She doesn't look a day over ... Well, you decide that one. :) 

My sisters and I began planning this 'surprise' party for her back in the winter months, I believe, but of course all the planning and preparing was not completed until an hour before the party began. 

After many trips to BJ's and Party City, we were finally prepared for the day's festivities! 

My sisters did a fantastic job of decorating the house and setting up the picnic area. 

Everyone enjoyed themselves, most of all the birthday girl. She wasn't as surprised as we had hoped, but the surprise was well kept till the last moments. We did the best we could. 

The family had a wonderful time celebrating Mom.  It was evident, in case she didn't already know it, that she is loved very much. She has a good heart & stands firm in the things she believes in. 

I hope she enjoyed her party as much as everyone who was there did. Some family & friends were unable to join us, and while they were missed, they were there in spirit. 

We thank God for our mother. She does love us all very much even though we all bump heads at one time or another. She's been a great help & inspiration to us in ways she may not even realize. We are blessed & we hope & pray that she is blessed with many more exciting & happy years with us.