To The Day

One month, to the day, has passed.

I would be lying if I said its been an easy month. 

This time has allowed me to spend time alone, with friends, train, think, make decisions and rediscover myself. 

Looking back, of course I have regrets. I wish I didn't, but I'm not perfect. If I didn't already know, I now know what I will and will not accept from a person, what I will and will not allow and accept for myself, and to set boundaries for people. 

This month has forced me to heal & make tough decisions. I don't enjoy hurting someone, but I also know I'm not to be taken advantage of. During some moments I feel mentally & emotionally stronger. In others, I know I'm still hurting, scarred, and not ready to move forward. It has only been a month. 

God has seen me through this ... Although I'm not sure why it happened to begin with ... Well, maybe I do know. 

I'm looking forward to more progress & just feeling better every day.  We shall see. 

4 Weeks

I used to count the weeks that we were together ... 

Now I'm counting the weeks we've been apart & how I've progressed ... Or not.

God is very good. I'm certain He has kept me during these last four weeks, and He has strengthened me. Certainly without Him I would be a train wreck. 

Some days the sadness still hits me. Some days the actions and my own disbelief of what and how things transpired still stings.  What can I say? I'm human.

I'm thankful that the crying has stopped. And that I've been doing many things to keep myself and my mind busy. That isn't easy. I could get caught up in the 'why me?' of it all. I rather continue to heal, spend time with people whose company I enjoy, and grow. 

Ya know, there were a lot of negative things I was told -- about myself. Every now and then they resound in my mind. I could hold on to them. In the past I have. What I've realized is what matters most is what I think ... And what God shows me. I have to get my self esteem back up, rebuild my self confidence and move forward knowing I can accomplish all things through Christ who strengthens me.  (I should be able to quote that verse.)

I think it's important to pray for those who have hurt us ... If we don't forgive, how can expect to be forgiven? 

Days have gone by ... And not one has passed without a thought of him. Usually it's a disappointed & hurt thought. Occasionally a sweet memory will swing on through ... And for the life of me I will never understand how both can be associated with same person. I suppose I would simply mistake honestly & genuine feelings ... I hope I can trust & love someone again. Live and learn ... Let Go & Let God. 

Week 4 -- praying it is a successful & strong week.

Small Strong Moments

Every day we encounter different people and situations that require us to act, or react, accordingly; properly; correctly. Of course we could act, or react, negatively and that's how we'll always be remembered.

I'm learning that after a relationship ends, despite numerous attempts to make it work, despite how you may believe you feel in your heart, you just have to let go, heal, and move forward. It's not easy, but it's necessary. Or, you can stay stuck wallowing in pain, sadness, heartache and over thinking. I did all that while I was in the relationship. Now I want to heal & move forward. 

I've decided that for me, it's best not to be in contact with my ex. Some people can do it -- have constant contact -- but I find it doesn't bring me peace, can give false senses of hope and just doesn't allow for my heart to heal. This has been a long on & off relationship with no improvement, but was full of hope. Now I believe it was false hope. Regardless, I just want to be left alone. There's no need to ask questions that can be asked of someone else. There's no need to communicate. When communicating was necessary, it wasn't done.  Now, I'm not biting. 

For myself, I am glad that the last three times I have had to interact/communicate with my ex, I have responded as politely as I could bring myself to. This last time, though, I had to be honest and say I don't agree with communicating every week. It doesn't allow me to heal. Sometimes being honest is sad & hurtful, but I am tired of hurting.  I often get hurt by being too nice and naive, among other reasons. I want to stop the patten & try to do things differently now and in the future. I want to be happy & have a healthy relationship. 

I know this person isn't reading my blogs, so I can write freely. While we were together he didn't have the time or desire. Now, I don't even want him to. I just want happiness. I am happy, but I also need to heal.  I want to hold my head high & treat another person with the same respect and dignity I want given to me. In the meantime, I truly in my heart want this communication w my ex to end. If it doesn't, I will still act properly because at the end of the day, I want to be proud of myself & be able to look myself in the mirror & not have regrets. 

Feeling Better .. One Day At a Time

Closing in on the end of 'week 3.' I've completely exhausted myself by keeping busy in nearly every way possible simply to not think. But, keeping busy has afforded me the opportunity to spend time with friends I haven't seen, my family, explore my fine city, exercise more, focus on my training and somewhere in all that, relax. 

To some friends I'm very honest about what I'm still going through in my mind. To others I am happy to say, 'I'm fine, thanks.' I really have learned to choose, wisely, who to be transparent with. I also don't want to bother anyone or be a downer. It's okay. 

I still have a lot of questions. I'm not sure why, but I do. I mean, the obvious ones have been answered, I suppose. But, the  things that made me go, 'really, though? Why?' are the ones I can't quite forget about. In time, though, I will. 

I'm talking to God a lot ... He's about the only one I can be completely honest with. And He wants just that ... For me to open up to & lean on Him. I don't as often as I should, but I'm trying. It's not as if He doesn't already know ... 

Kickball Mid-Season Party & Trophy Presentations

I guess life has been a little crazy for the past ... 5 months ... So I haven't posted about things in as timely a fashion as I normally would ... My mind has been all over ... I'm trying to get back to my writing.

Kickball ... 

While playing Spring Kickball, I spent the season getting semi-better, but never quite to the level of 'good.'  Our team, though, was pretty awesome once everyone started playing together.  

The last game was a playoff one & a biggie and was against our rivals. What can ya do? Play hard or go home ... and that's exactly what we did. We were well capitained, the team wanted the win badly enough, both offense and defense were on their game and in the end, we won!  The other team played well, too; we just played better that night. 

The winning play is a blur, but there was some yelling, some pushing & blanking out ... But we won! I'll never forget the bits I remember, but realizing we won was the best feeling ever. 

I loved that everyone was kind, particularly my friend Marlene, who convinced me to join & patiently taught me along the way, and her husband, who took a chance w a newbie. He was as patient as a die hard kickball player could be with a player who basically was terrible and terrified ... But teachable.  

I met some awesome people & that really was the goal, along with having fun. 

Summer kick is coming to a close & I've gotten more confident ... Meaning I don't spend all of Tuesday with anxiety. I just go & try my best. I have a better idea of what to do --- and more importantly what not to do.  I hope to improve along the way. Marlene has been a great help & has thankfully remained very patient with me as I continue learning. 

Last night we celebrated our victory as a team (for the second time) and received our trophy, which our deserving captain (holding it) took home.

Prior to the night ending, we each had our moment with it whether by posing for a picture as we held it,  drinking beer from it, or dancing as we held it high. 

This team was a great deal of fun to be a part of. Spring & summer have been very stressful for me emotionally & playing kickball is something that has kept me focused and my mind quiet -- even if for an hour a week. I suppose everything does happen for a reason. The memories of these two seasons will last much longer than the stress I've dealt with. Of that I am certain. 

Closure

Why do some people need closure & others don't? Well, the obvious answer is everyone handles things differently. I am someone who prefers closure; not burned bridges, but closure. I need to know that the part of whatever has gone on is finished and then become ready for the next part to begin. For me that 'next part' starts with healing. That takes time when there's much healing that needs to take place. 

I do a great job of taking care of myself physically. Mentally & emotionally, though, I'm not doing as good of a job. I keep a lot inside instead of talking to people. Why do I have friends then? Why don't I pray & ask God to help me through this? 

If I don't begin to work with myself and try to heal, I'll never be okay with anyone. Thankfully I have an amazing group of friends & my family is a blessing. I don't usually tell them when my heart is hurting. I try my best not to burden anyone. I know they are there if / when I decide that I do need them. 

I had a long, much needed conversation with someone that allowed me to get everything that's hurt me off my chest. I wish that conversation never had to take place, but it did. It gave me a lot to think about, but I almost feel as though there isn't much to to think about or hold on to  any longer. 

Now I move on. I don't necessarily mean with anyone -- just yet. But, I start to let go of the things that hurt me & start becoming me again. Cause, I really like me. Not that I believe I'm exceptional or wonderful, but I think I'm a decent person who can make someone happy. First, I need to work on getting myself back to that happy, confident, trusting place again ... Closure. Not everyone needs it ... But, we have to do what works for us. No one else will.