Fairfield Half Marathon

Last weekend my friends and I ran the Fairfield Half Marathon. It was probably the hottest Saturday of June. Humidity was up there, as well, so I was prepared to not run as well as I would have liked to. I think we all had some kind of background noise in our minds that was increasing our doubt.

Doubt or not, we ran & we ran as well as our bodies could perform in the heat & humidity. Thankfully there were many water stations and sprinklers. They were a huge help to us runners.  I don't know how some people avoided them. 

I was prepared for my own run to not be up to par as many factors were not on my side. I hadn't slept well the night before, didn't eat much of a breakfast at all, and was really worried about how I would get through 13.1 miles. I was cranky & edgy, and that wasn't wonderful. As usual, though, it was mind over matter & a lot of praying along the race course. 

I began the race with Leon & Rebecca, but we lost each other early on. From there it was my music, the other runners and me. I ran as hard as I could, despite the heat, as I was trying to beat my time from the Brooklyn Half. Sadly that didn't   happen. I was 2 minutes slower. It's all good, though. I'm surprised I ran as quickly as I did. I definitely felt like I was running hard, and I don't often feel that way. My calves hurt in a way I haven't felt in a very long time. The last loop was grueling, and won't soon be forgotten. Once I crossed that finish line, I was thrilled to see my loved ones waiting for me.  After hugs, greetings and water, we waited on Leon & Rebecca to finish & then went to eat & relax. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't looking forward to the next race. :) 

Thinking Out Loud

I had hopes of writing about a few different things tonight. It turned out to be a not so great night, though. A complete twist of events changed what was an amazing night into a disappointing one. 

Sometimes, I think I need to reevaluate what I'm doing and why. Maybe the 'why' part, mostly.

I fully believe that two people play an important roll in how a relationship functions, or does not. One person can be responsible for ruining things all on their own, but two people need to be active participants in their relationship in order for it to be a well oiled machine. And even that takes years & patience. 

I'm starting to doubt myself a lot when it comes to my ability to have a healthy functioning relationship. We all have self doubt going into relationships. Sometimes things happen along the way that can be damaging to relationships. But, supposedly, some things can be salvaged. Some can't. Without work on both parts, what is to be expected? Success? 

I think once certain doors are opened, and certain behaviors are present, there's no changing them; no going back to how things should really be. There are always going to be bumps. That happens. It's HOW things are dealt with that is the important part. How people treat each other. How they treat each other when their significant other isn't around. 

As a woman, we have certain instincts. Sometimes they are merely insecurities. Other times, they are right on. I think I've ignored my instincts far too often. 

Sadly, I'm stuck in a bad place with someone I love. Very much. But, it's a lonely place & I'm not sure things are correct ... It's turning into something it once was ... Hurtful. More than that. I sometimes feel like I'm watching from the outside... And what I see makes me sad. 

I learned a long time ago that holding on when you've lost the important parts does nothing but aggrivate the person who doesn't want to be there. 

I'd venture to say that this won't be a happy ending ... And I hate saying that, but I have learned to be real with myself, as hurtful as that can be. 

June!

16 days of school left! I'm thrilled! 

I'm slightly anxious, as well, because this is the first summer I have no work ... So, having a free schedule stresses me out ... That's not normal at all. However, to me 'normal' is constantly having something going on, or something to do, so .. What will I do with myself? Aside from going to Italy, that is? I guess that remains to be seen!