Being Real with Myself

I decided that this year I only wanted to write the things that made me smile, laugh & created positive, happy memories, like this morning's breakfast with the Breezy Point crew, or the Nets game I attended last night with Shan and Joey. I didn't want to reread my posts down the line and recall struggles or negative moments I had gone through, or anything that made me sad.

After having certain things on my mind & heart for the past week, I know that omitting them from MY blog would not be true to who I am as a person or writer. By nature, I am someone who talks, one who needs to express myself and wears my heart on my sleeve. Perhaps experience is telling me to not write on certain topics, particularly ones that tug at my heart, but as each day passes and different thoughts come and go, it almost seems unnatural to not write what is on my mind & what I am feeling.

For over a week, well, let's say nearly a month, my heart has been very heavy & no matter how much I smile for my family, friends and students, deep inside I'm battling heartache. Disappointment. Unanswered questions. Heartache :: I often feel this is the worst pain one can endure. Whether the heartache was caused by losing a loved one, from having your heart broken, or from someone you care for disappoint you, heartache is simply the worst feeling. Ever. For whatever reason, tonight it's hitting harder than it should be (says me). And all I know is, I want it to stop. I'm certain that in time, it will ...
For now, though, I feel as though it is more helpful to acknowledge the pain and disappointment I have been feeling, as opposed to pretending I haven't been. Deep down I believe that this too shall pass, as does everything. And I think, for the first time ever, I need to allow myself some real healing time so I can get back to being me. I want to be ready for the day that the next part of my life begins. Healing time is a real process we should all allow ourselves to go through ... so is being honest with ourselves about how we are feeling. It's very easy to brush things off; to pretend we aren't hurting or disappointed. In reality, though, that's not conducive to healing and moving forward in a productive and positive way. Therefore, I'm going to feel what I'm feeling, cry when I need to, smile as much as I can, and in time, before I know it, I'll be the me that I love ... The me that I want to be, so I can be the best Jessica for everyone else.

Hello 2013!

Today was a good beginning to the year. Perhaps that's an inclination of how the year will go ... Perhaps I'm simply in an optimistic mood.

I accomplished all I set out to do today :: get organized for the week, prepare everything I would need for tomorrow, make sure my apartment is neat & orderly (and as I was doing so, recalled how my friends say I'm OCD about the cleanliness of my apartment), started a new Bible reading plan (I must stay focused on that this year! A definite goal!), and simply relaxed. Being more organized is a goal I resolve to keeping this year.

I also made my 4th set of plans for this month, which is to go skiing with my sisters, their friends and my nephew in 2 weeks! While my last (and only) attempt at skiing was a complete FAIL, I'm going to to put my coordination and athletic skills to use ... and hope for the best. We shall see what comes of this outing! Hopefully no broken bones, sprains, tears, etc.

Back to work tomorrow! I miss my students -- that feeling may be short lived, as Wednesday is my least favorite day of the work week, simply because my schedule is terrible. Still, the kids are my little family & part of me longs to hear all about their time off. I also miss my friends ... I look forward to their stories, as well.

2013 ... Here's hoping the next chapter in my life is filled with an abundance of blessings from the Lord, many happy memories & good health. That is my wish for all my family, friends and loved ones, as well.

Cheers to the New Year!
Photo credit:: Ed Stern.