I decided that this year I only wanted to write the things that made me smile, laugh & created positive, happy memories, like this morning's breakfast with the Breezy Point crew, or the Nets game I attended last night with Shan and Joey. I didn't want to reread my posts down the line and recall struggles or negative moments I had gone through, or anything that made me sad.
After having certain things on my mind & heart for the past week, I know that omitting them from MY blog would not be true to who I am as a person or writer. By nature, I am someone who talks, one who needs to express myself and wears my heart on my sleeve. Perhaps experience is telling me to not write on certain topics, particularly ones that tug at my heart, but as each day passes and different thoughts come and go, it almost seems unnatural to not write what is on my mind & what I am feeling.
For over a week, well, let's say nearly a month, my heart has been very heavy & no matter how much I smile for my family, friends and students, deep inside I'm battling heartache. Disappointment. Unanswered questions. Heartache :: I often feel this is the worst pain one can endure. Whether the heartache was caused by losing a loved one, from having your heart broken, or from someone you care for disappoint you, heartache is simply the worst feeling. Ever. For whatever reason, tonight it's hitting harder than it should be (says me). And all I know is, I want it to stop. I'm certain that in time, it will ...
For now, though, I feel as though it is more helpful to acknowledge the pain and disappointment I have been feeling, as opposed to pretending I haven't been. Deep down I believe that this too shall pass, as does everything. And I think, for the first time ever, I need to allow myself some real healing time so I can get back to being me. I want to be ready for the day that the next part of my life begins. Healing time is a real process we should all allow ourselves to go through ... so is being honest with ourselves about how we are feeling. It's very easy to brush things off; to pretend we aren't hurting or disappointed. In reality, though, that's not conducive to healing and moving forward in a productive and positive way. Therefore, I'm going to feel what I'm feeling, cry when I need to, smile as much as I can, and in time, before I know it, I'll be the me that I love ... The me that I want to be, so I can be the best Jessica for everyone else.
1 comment:
Hi Jessica,
Thank you for your transparency. I can empathize with battling heartache. Healing is essential. It is a word I have become all too familiar with as I've endured heart break many times over. It seems there are times we don't ever truly want to heal. Healing means facing the reality that we are--in truth--hurting. It means facing the reality that something or someone we love possibly hurt us. Or,we don't want to go through the journey of encountering all the emotions that go with it; namely the pain.
The beauty is that God always meets us in our brokenness. I recently heard a sermon, where the pastor said that God is about process and not product. It is in our healing where God can truly work in our hearts.
I don't know the cause of your heartache, but what I do know is that no matter what it is God will use it for your good. That is His promise. It will make you stronger than you ever imagined. It will show you how much God loves you. It will remind you that you are beautiful, amazing and so loved by our Lord and Savior (and many others). When you press into God and trust him with restoring your brokenness you will bear good fruit for Him.
Please know that you have someone praying for you. I am praying for your complete healing. I am praying that God will restore your heart. I'm praying that this season of healing will create an insatiable fire for God. I pray that you will see how beautiful you are. I stand with you in believing that upon your complete healing, once you get back to yourself, you will walk into a new season of every good and perfect gift God has just for you--just for Jessica.
Thank you again for your encouraging words and being so beautifully transparent.
A sister in Christ.
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