It's interesting, to me at least, that releasing something that was bringing me pain has caused the pain to cease. The heartache has not gone, has not changed. That's pretty strong & nearly depressing, to be honest. However, the sinking, strong pain of 'something isn't right' that was turning my stomach has gone. Thankfully.
Our instincts are so strong & usually right on. Why don't we follow them instead of our hearts? Perhaps because we are hopeful & want that 'happy ending' we have been waiting for our whole lives. I'm not sure. Maybe we just want to be optimistic.
What I know is this :: words without actions mean nothing. The best intentions could be there, but with nothing to back them up, what are we banking on? It doesn't make sense to me. The question is, how long do you listen to words that are just that? Words. How long do you go ignoring yourself? If I can offer any advice to anyone who is feeling, or has ever felt this way, it's this:: please don't ignore the feeling that something isn't right.
I'm glad I stopped ignoring it because it was slowly making me physically ill & I had no one to talk to; not even the person I was dealing with. I'm not sure how that happens, but it's life. We live & learn. Even a second time.
Today was hard. Getting out of bed this morning was a challenge & I am very sad. However, I can't let heartache knock me down again. Easier said than done. I've been here before. My instinct is to stay home & not interact w anyone while I am hurting. Why should I, though, when I know no one is sitting home stopping their life for me.
Day one of healing is nearly over & will end with a friend's birthday dinner. Truth be told, I don't want to go. Selfishly, I say that. However, I will. I don't know what day two will bring ... All I can do is finish out this one & press on. And pray. Because I am certain this is not what God wants for me.
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