Love ... Is It All We Need?

Tonight ... 

I'm not worrying about the reader. Not worrying about the content. 

For once, I'm going with my feelings.

I hope I reread this one day & am in a different emotional place. 

I'm realizing that my eyes are opened a lot faster to people and their behaviors. Many are quick to point the finger or speak on someone else's behavior ... Without even being aware of their own. My patience for this is becoming less ... And less ... And less. Particularly when it's done to me. 

I had a beautiful week ... And an even lovelier weekend. But, it's like reality set in this evening & I'm back to being in a place where I feel as though my world has been turned upside down.  And I lost all composure & cried until I couldn't cry anymore. It's an awful, awful feeling.  But, I've been told crying is a good release & is good cleansing. 

I'm starting to lose faith in people's words & am starting to remember that actions are what I need to pay attention to.  Those really speak volumes. And the volume has been turned up ... Only, have I been listening? Not really.

I do play a roll in all of this ... I'm not a victim or anything like that ... I'm a woman who fell in love ... Maybe prematurely ... But nothing about it has been right. And that's a sad truth. It's not one I came up with ... It's one that's been repeated to me over & over. So, I suppose I have a choice to make ... Accept it ... Or keep fighting for a love that isn't sustained on just the emotion. No relationship / love is. The emotions are strong, yes. Very. But everything that keeps it strong :: friendship, trust, communication, communication, honesty, trust, laughter, kindness, patience, attraction ... Among others ... If those necessities are lacking ... What chance does love have at sustaining a relationship? That's a rhetorical question. And I feel as though that's where I'm at ... In love without a fighting chance. 

Brooklyn Half ... One Week Late

Last Saturday, at this time, I was recovering from running the NYRR Brooklyn Half Marathon. I believe the night before was my last post. 

I didn't have a good night's sleep the night before, my soy milk had gone bad so I didn't have my usual breakfast, and I was pretty nervous about how I would perform. Last year I made good time while running with Leon. I was sure this year wouldn't be the same.

I arrived, as usual, just as the race has begun. I don't love running to the start, but at least I'm consistent. My legs felt heavy going out for the first few miles, and by mile 5 exhaustion had set in.  But, I was encouraged to keep going although I really wanted to stop (yes, really), and I made it to mile 9 with a steady pace. 

Come mile 10, I was starting to lose the momentum again, and didn't want water or gatorade because I wasn't thirsty (not a good reason to not drink), and I simply didn't want to stop because I knew I wouldn't start again. I looked for someone to keep pace with so I could help myself finish the race with a respectable time.

I began to follow this tall, lanky runner in front of me. His pace was steady, but not too fast, so I decided to try & stay behind him. I figured if I lost him, oh well. I was tired and just wanted to finish. I didn't want him to realize I was following him, though because I find that to be annoying & usually try to out run people I feel on my tail. It's just distracting. 

This runner happened to stay with me because I had a 'good pace' according to him & we ran side by side for the remaining 3 miles of the race. It was a good feeling to keep going, although at times I struggled.  I felt like this runner & I were unintentionally, yet intentionally, pulling each other along. 

In the end, we ended with a time of 1:42, I believe, which was 5 minutes better than last year's time. I was shocked to find that out, but thrilled at the same time.

The Coney Island experience ended with a pleasant lunch & entertaining conversation with two dear friends. I couldn't have asked for a better day.  It actually turned out the way I had hoped it would, much to my surprise. Next up :: Fairfield Half :: less than a month to train.

A Little of Everything

What do you do when you're missing a few of your best friends?

One of my best friends is far, far away in Can-Eh-Da. Why'd she go & move up there? Goodness! Oh, yes, cause the love of her life lives there & they got married & stayed there. Okay, since I love love & I love them, it's acceptable. Haha. But when rough times hit, I wish she was here. She'd definitely hit me with truth, care, and some laughs to go along with any tears that may fall. I sure do miss her. Thankfully, I have some great besties that are still here (whew) who are definitely blessings and keepers. ;)

The other person I miss was never told he's one of my best friends. It's a complicated friendship that at times doesn't seem like one. But at others, it feels like it's an indestructible one. Some relationships are like that, but again, at my highest and lowest moments, he's the one I want to call. The only problem is sometimes he's around, others he's not. And I feel like I want him around more than I don't. How does one fix that? Not sure, really. 

My heart is especially heavy tonight ... I wish it wasn't. I didn't spend the day feeling like this. I actually felt great all day. Life is weighing on me. I have to start giving it to God because I'm wearing myself down & God instructed us to cast our cares on Him. Why don't I do that more often? 

Tomorrow is a new day & I have one of my favorite races to get to ... Brooklyn Half Marathon. I will miss my race partner, Leon, but could potentially miss someone else who is even more important to me. 

Life happens. Its what we do with each moment that happens, how we handle things and people. We don't know what tomorrow's going to bring. It's time to start cherishing the people we truly care about & treating each other tenderly, the way we would like to be treated -- even if is not what we receive in return. I'm starting to view many things differently. I can only hope & pray God directs my path & shows me the way.

Stomach Yuck!

There's simply no time to be sick ... Not even a little time. With my favorite half marathon in 3 days, and my second favorite in a month, there's no time for down time. 

I couldn't even tell you where today's stomach bug flew in from, but it sure did kick my butt (literally) and knocked me down for a few hours.  

Today's run was awful because ... I had to head home as soon as I could get back ... (not before completing 3 miles, though).  Enough said. 

I thought I'd try my luck at step class this evening ... That was also ... Well, perhaps there was simply too much movement for the way I was feeling. 

I tried to have lots of pita crackers ... And grapes; my go-to foods when I feel like this. Today, though they didn't work. 

Any who, I'm about to sleep it off, hopefully. Let's see what tomorrow brings. 

Kickball Tuesdays

For the past 3 weeks, Tuesdays have brought me more anxiety than anyone could possibly imagine. The reason why is just as silly! Kickball Tuesdays, of course. Combine playing on a team where I know /knew 2 people (to start) & a game that I have no skill at & you get one anxiety driven woman.

Last night's practice couldn't have come at a better time! 

Today was our fourth kickball game & thankfully, we won! And we had a great time doing so! Today I didn't wake up with anxiety (Thank God) and barely thought about the game until I was on my way there. I prayed that I wouldn't be as terrible as I have been the three weeks prior. Thankfully, today I was a help to my team! Only one person was able to call me out on what my problem was :: I've been so afraid of being the reason my team loses that I couldn't focus on playing. That and the lack of skills, of course.  We covered that before, though. 

Today, I was reminded to play like I did in practice & to have fun.  I did both. I was a help to my team, finally, and had great 1st & 3rd base coaching going to get me around & home. 

It felt so abnormal to not stress about the game today, but I didn't. Well, when I was fielding 3rd base I stressed a bit, because again, I didn't want to make a stupid mistake & cause a huge error. But, overall, I'm glad I did my best, helped my team & simply enjoyed myself. 

Kickball!

I'm a runner. Not too much more, athletically speaking, I'm starting to realize. 

This past winter a friend told me about two social sports leagues she plays in :: Dodgeball & Kickball.  From the conversation we had been having, she suggested I join just as a way to do something different & meet new people. I knew Dodgeball would be too intense for me, so I decided to give Kickball a try. I joined the Big League Kickball Purchase League, the competitive group & really, I know nothing about playing the game aside from the basic baseball rules. That should have told me something right there & then.

The season began about 3 weeks ago & tonight we had our second practice. I wish I had been practicing twice a week for the last month with the skills I (don't) possess for this game.  Goodness. 

My teammates are all good players & we are learning to work well together. 

I've gotten (a little) better at catching because really, if that ball comes my way & I don't attempt to get it, I should just stay home. That being said, I've made like 3 good catches & they've all been helpful at the moment, so I feel good about that. Kicking :: not my forte. It's both frustrating & embarrassing to be at the plate & not know what to do :: kick? Wait? Bunt? Run? It's just a mess. Or I've been a mess. 

Tonight my team had practice & some of my teammates attended. I must say that  after some coaching and numerous kicks, I feel much better than I have before. I learned some kicking strategies & they helped. Marlene & her husband tried coaching me A LOT, and my other teammates gave me some suggestions, as well. It definitely helped my confidence a great deal. Now, whether or not I can apply what I learned to tomorrow's game is yet to be seen. I just want to be a help to my team, not the reason we lose.

Aside from all the anxiety this has caused me, LoL, I'm having fun while I'm there. I've met some really cool people & it is something different for me.  It's a good thing. 

At this very moment, I am icing the inside of my shin ... I hit the ball with it so many times, it's definitely bruised. Lots of pain. Rough times.

We shall see what is to come of this tiny chapter of my world. 

Another Weekend Outing

Anyone who knows me is aware when something serious is weighing on my heart & mind, the last thing I want to do is go out anywhere. I'm sure I mentioned that last weekend.

For someone who is as upset / hurt as I am, I must say, I've been out every night for the past few weekends as there have been events that I needed to attend, and instead of canceling, I just went along. However, at each event, I was partially going through the motions. By Friday, I was exhausted because pretending is exhausting. 

After today's 12 mile run, I was really beat. Rightfully so. There was a kickball gathering in Stamford this evening & I was debating whether or not I would go ... For a few reasons. My heart & mind are not up for such outings, I don't know many people, and I was just tired. 

I did go, though, and had a really nice time while I was there. I mingled w the people I knew, and met some new I ones. We had fun, chatted, laughed, etc., and  it was nice to see the kickball crew out of 'uniform.' 

I pulled the usual 'Irish Goodbye' and was home by 11:45, only a few minutes past the time I had set out for myself earlier.

Everyone says I should stay busy & keep doing things, but it's exhausting & when it's over, everything I pushed out for the time being comes rushing back. That's overwhelming.

I guess time & prayers. One day at a time. Once again I have to say, I'm so grateful for my friends ... Maybe God is speaking to me through them because they have sent me some profound messages regarding trusting The Lord, bible verses and inspirational thoughts ... Just out of nowhere. Each message of encouragement is a reminder that although I feel very alone & this period is awful, I'm not alone. 

Thank you, Kimberly for the message you sent me ...it was what I needed at that very moment... And thanks to Rebecca for the encouraging bible verses. 

One day at a time.

Today's Inspiration

I always feel so grateful for each one of my friends. Over the years, God has brought wonderful people into my life, and while they have come to really know me, the good, the bad & the at times ugly, they continue to love, accept & encourage me. My friends are encouraging, honest, fun, kind, supportive & they are like family. 

My friend, Ellie, knows & understands well what I've been going through. She advises me, is supportive, is very honest & sends me inspirational messages every so often. She is someone I strive to be like in many ways. She is kind, caring, doesn't get angry, takes care of herself mentally, physically & emotionally, she has found a loving, honest & very nice man to love her, and she is strong. She encourages me so often. Many times I don't know what I would do without her encouragement. 

Today she sent me the message below ... And it's one I probably will read daily just as a reminder ...

Do People See the Real Me?

The photos below :: Me. Each photo was taken over the course of the last two months. I surely know how to put myself together, don't I? Or at least look 'put together.'

I've heard it said :: 'the people who smile the most are the ones with the hardest situations.' Perhaps those people find happiness & appreciation in the littlest things. I've heard it said, 'even in your trials, smile, praise & thank God.' I'm still working on that.

For me :: I usually put on a happy face & try to look very nice out the outside when deep down, I'm struggling. I figure I can mask how I feel on the inside by looking 'great' on the outside. What a twisted concept. A sad one, really. I should be able to be how I feel when I want to. However, that's not appropriate for all situations or people. 

Tonight I spent time w close friends. Only with these people am I able to 'wear' my feelings. Sometimes, that's very freeing & that's what I need right now. Too many times I've had to play a role and not be me. Well, tonight I was able to be me. I don't feel my happiest, and those girls know it, yet they were pleased to let me feel my feelings. It was good. The laughs we shared were AMAZING & also what I needed. Each day, I get a little more of me back. It's going to be a slow process ... But I pray I will get there. 

Thanks & Thoughts

Tonight's post is twofold. 

On one note, I want to thank the anonymous woman for your feedback. It was encouraging & almost as though God spoke through you. I say that because something you touched on was exactly how I was feeling on the subject. Thank you for being so kind & caring & transparent regarding your marriage. I assume that was not easy to do, and I am truly sorry for the hurt you experienced. I know it well ... not from my own experience, but one very dear to my heart. Just from your words you seem to have a genuine concern for others, which is a kind, yet rare trait. I pray God grants you the desires of your heart & continues to use you for His glory. I covet your prayers more than you know.

On a second note, as I rode in my elevator this afternoon (something I RARELY do), I got to thinking about that which has been troubling my heart. Just wondering & not understanding much of it. When words & actions don't match, I have a hard time. When I try to talk & am made to feel as though my feelings are annoying or invalid, I become stuck, as well as hurt. To hear words but see nothing, I can't understand, comprehend, or process it. I probably never will. 

I realized there was so much I wanted to say, only to conclude that I have said enough. There is no more to say. 

Normally, that would crush me. It's like I have been defeated. Like, there has to be SOMETHING I can say or do to 'fix it.' But I tried. Instead, I was slightly at peace with it. What more can I do? How much more can I say? If saying things when I was in the situation did nothing to help our issues, continuing to try to express myself while I am out of it certainly is not going to change anything.

The month of April nearly crushed everything about me. My spirit, my peace, my feeling of self worth, my self image, my belief in human decency & my belief in true love. How sad.

One day at a time, one prayer, one run & one cry at a time ... I will be okay & back to a better (inside and out) and stronger me. 

A major plus is my desire to be back at church has been ignited. For a while I was struggling to go ... For many reasons .. One being I was embarrassed to go alone. What I have to realize and remember is I go to church to honor The Lord, not for a social status or show. And yes, I feel the tug of someone missing when I sit there alone, one because that person is simply missed, but mostly because I know how blessed he would be to hear the Word. 

God is good, all the time ... And all the time, God is good. 

Happy Birthday, Michelle ❤

I know :: I have this same post title from a year ago. I'm happy to have another year with Michelle as my friend, so we could celebrate her, her life, and her birthday.

Poor thing has been very ill with a dreaded stomach virus, and now one of her precious kids has it. Who knows? By now, the other one could have it, as well. I pray that's not the case, though.

Thankfully she made it in to work & we got to sing to her & share some YUMMY red-velvet cake. I had the TINIEST sliver, which is an improvement for me. I was glad to share even a little of her special day with her. Michelle is a great person, wife, mother, friend & teacher. I could honestly say, knowing her has made me a better person. She's just one of the many friends I am blessed to have / know who influence me daily in different ways.

Happy Birthday, friend. Have a beautiful & blessed year. ❤

Inspiration

Today I spent time rereading some inspirational photos I have collected over the past year or so. I needed a mental & emotional pick-me up, if you will.

Some time back, when I was going through a healing period, I read through the same inspirational posts. Some made me reflect on mistakes I had made & not want to repeat should another relationship ever come my way. Others were reminders of how to simply cope one day at a time. In my heart, there is no other hurt like heartache. And whatever causes one's heart to ache is individual. Right now, mine is love gone wrong & lost.

To willingly give all of yourself to another is not easy. Not for me, anyway. But to not be held, or thought of, as something precious or special, deeply saddens me. It's the simplest way I can put it. I made the mistake of not doing that once & from there learned to cherish what I truly loved. Who I truly loved, I should say. I'm not sure what lessons I've learned from this just yet. I mean, there are concrete lessons I have learned, but those were learned on the first go around. Now, I'm just trying to get through each day, reflect, not obsess, and move forward. This too shall pass. I have to be kinder to myself & know that God is in control. There's nothing more I can do. Well, I can keep doing what I'm doing. Surrounding myself with friends, staying active & going, going, going, till I'm simply exhausted. That's probably not the best answer, but it's working right now.

One Day at a Time

I have to say :: if anyone has ever had to fake being happy & putting on a smile, you know it's exhausting & just defeating. Truly.

It's not always easy to smile & fake being happy & get involved in conversations or social settings when you're feeling down, but it beats the other option which is being alone & doing nothing. We have choices, right?

This weekend was rough. With a capital R. I could have stayed in & just emerged myself in my emotions, which I've done in the past. However, I refuse to let this beat me ... Especially when I know no is crying or heart broken over me. I guess that shouldn't matter, though, because my feelings are my own.

I'm glad I went out, got to church, and met up with a friend. It was not easy to do those things, but it was better than wallowing in my feelings and tears. It's going to be okay. This will pass. It always does. However, it doesn't mean it's any easier. Round two definitely knocked me down ... But, I'm hoping in time I'll get up and find myself again. Prayers, quiet time and love from friends have been my solace.

Thanks to my friend, Janice, for the photo below. :)

Out With the Old ... In With the New

That was the title of last night's presentation @ church. We have to let go of our old selves & just give our lives to The Lord & let Him make us new again.
I can honestly say I've tried things my way over & over again, only to have failed miserably and become hurt.

Insanity :: I feel as though I wrote about this in a prior post some time ago :: is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

That is true of anything. This was mentioned last night, and instead of thinking of my life, I thought of my relationship. We wanted different, new, happier results, however, the important things had not changed. And I knew this in my heart & it hurt because I saw it crumbling again before my eyes. But, no one can do anything alone. No one can force change. We can only do our parts. So, it is what it is. Over. And I'm just praying every day for understanding & for healing. And for a new beginning. Not even with another person, because I'm not sure I want to be close to anyone again. It's very hurtful to watch your hopes and dreams shatter right before your eyes. My new beginnings are daily. I have to wake up & ask God to give me strength to get through the day. I want to stop leaning on my own understanding, because I have none, and ask God to strengthen me. And show me what is to come. Out with the old me, in with the new. Not 100% sure what that means right now ... But I know I need God. Today more than ever.

Rebecca's Birthday Dinner

It's been a rough few weeks, and an especially difficult 24 hours. Attending anyone's celebration just wasn't in me tonight. However, it wasn't about me, it was about my friend, Rebecca. So, I decided to keep it moving for a short while & attend her birthday dinner, as I said I would.

Rebecca is a fairly new friend of mine. We met at the gym, probably over a year ago, but weren't 'hang out' friendly till we bumped into each other at last year's Fairfield Half-Marathon. Since then, we've developed a growing friendship. She's a nice girl with a good heart. I'm happy to know her & was honored to be asked to her birthday dinner.

Dinner turned out to be a perfectly good time with all the elements that would make an evening 'pleasant.' I met new people, who were lovely, the food was yummy, which made me very happy as I restricted myself from eating as of 2:00p.m. & had worked out, and Rebecca smiled & laughed away. I think that was all I needed to see to realize I made the right choice by attending. Truthfully, she would have been perfectly fine & happy without my presence, however it was nice to have been part of the celebration.

I hope she has a wonderful & blessed rest of the year.

One Day at a Time

It's interesting, to me at least, that releasing something that was bringing me pain has caused the pain to cease. The heartache has not gone, has not changed. That's pretty strong & nearly depressing, to be honest. However, the sinking, strong pain of 'something isn't right' that was turning my stomach has gone. Thankfully.

Our instincts are so strong & usually right on. Why don't we follow them instead of our hearts? Perhaps because we are hopeful & want that 'happy ending' we have been waiting for our whole lives. I'm not sure. Maybe we just want to be optimistic.

What I know is this :: words without actions mean nothing. The best intentions could be there, but with nothing to back them up, what are we banking on? It doesn't make sense to me. The question is, how long do you listen to words that are just that? Words. How long do you go ignoring yourself? If I can offer any advice to anyone who is feeling, or has ever felt this way, it's this:: please don't ignore the feeling that something isn't right.

I'm glad I stopped ignoring it because it was slowly making me physically ill & I had no one to talk to; not even the person I was dealing with. I'm not sure how that happens, but it's life. We live & learn. Even a second time.

Today was hard. Getting out of bed this morning was a challenge & I am very sad. However, I can't let heartache knock me down again. Easier said than done. I've been here before. My instinct is to stay home & not interact w anyone while I am hurting. Why should I, though, when I know no one is sitting home stopping their life for me.

Day one of healing is nearly over & will end with a friend's birthday dinner. Truth be told, I don't want to go. Selfishly, I say that. However, I will. I don't know what day two will bring ... All I can do is finish out this one & press on. And pray. Because I am certain this is not what God wants for me.

A New Beginning ...

What is that line in a song ... Every ending is new beginning? Something along those lines.

Goodness, if I had any more endings, I don't quite know what I'd do ... And it's only the beginning of May. Of my 36th year of life. Sheesh.

A precious, past relationship became new again two months ago. For a moment I was elated. An amazing feeling, I would say. Two months later, it's finished. Gone. Old. Does this mean somewhere down the road there'll be a new beginning? I don't even know that I want one, to be honest.

The happy endings I hear so much about just seem like a fairy tale to me at this point. And that's okay, but it's not. It's life, right?

I figured if I actually wrote it down, I'd finally accept it in my heart, as hard as that seems. If I can't be honest w myself, then who can I be honest with?

Healing begins soon ... After reality sets in. No, no one is perfect & I'm certainly not looking for perfection.
I just want honesty, trust, happiness, communication, love and laughter. All reasonable things, I'd say.

In the meantime, I pray for healing ... For both hearts. ❤

Me Being Me

This post is for anyone who may read this blog regularly, semi-regularly, etc ...

Firstly, I want to say thanks for reading!! :) Often I feel like no one knows it exists, ha!, then I'm pleasantly surprised to find out a few people do! :) That is encouraging.

Secondly, please know that by nature, I am a 'talker.' That being said, part of the freedom of writing is being able to just let my feelings, thoughts, moments out, without feeling like I'm being judged. And I don't think anyone who reads these posts is judging me; I'm simply thinking out loud.

We are human. We experience feelings, have emotions, and unfortunately not all days will be great. Most are, thankfully, but I'm also real. The beauty of my blog is that I can be myself & be honest about what I'm feeling, 'let it out', if you will, good, bad, indifferent.

If ever you happen to read something that makes you unsure of what's going on with me -- good, bad or indifferent -- please feel free to email, text, call even. But one thing that I genuinely ask is that you don't assume & make my blog, or what you may read, into a gossip session. Strangely enough, it's happened, and at times it's incredibly amusing. Who doesn't love a good laugh?!? But, on the other end of the spectrum, it can/has create(d) unnecessary worry and/or stress. That's not my intention for anyone, and I do appreciate the thought and concern, honest to God. :)

Simply put, I'm just here to be me, enjoy my passion for writing (as bad as it may be at times), and be emotional when I feel like it, elated, pensive, whatever the mood is ... I just want to be. I cautiously share pieces of me, but only to be able to speak freely & just be able to breathe at times.

I hope you all understand what I've written & that you'll eagerly come back to find out the latest 'Jess News.'

Xoxo,
Sica❤

Welcome May!

Today was a gorgeous one! The first day of May could not have been more perfect! Cloudless blue sky, slight wind, 66 degrees ... I couldn't wait for the end of my work day so I could get out & enjoy it! Upon returning home, I did just that. I quickly changed, ran to take my yoga class & ran home. I couldn't have been happier. When work is over, I love having nothing to do after work except go for a run & relax. Every now and then, spending time w friends is also enjoyable, but after being with the kids all day, I need to regroup.

I'm glad May started on a good note! Maybe that's a sign for how the rest of the month will go. :)